Showing posts with label socializing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label socializing. Show all posts

Friday, April 22, 2011

I went back.


So last Tuesday I went back to the Sex in that City all girls munch.  And I had a really good time.  It was not cliquey at all this time.  In fact it seemed like everyone make a concerted effort to move around, play musical chairs so they could talk to everyone, to be friendly and funny and outrageous.

The location was still a little difficult… the music a bit too loud… but I wonder if they didn’t turn it up when one of the girls started talking about her fetishes.  It was delightful… how she liked to be a strict nun (latex nun outfit??).  But then she got to talking to another “nun fetishist” who thought it would just take it right over the top if you mixed in some scat play… it was hilarious to listen to this lady’s shock at the suggestion.  And she was talking loud enough for me to hear… and if I could hear… /giggles.

The bar has this munchy good snack… for only $2 you can get several huge hunks of chewy French bread and a dish of EVOO and herby vinegar to dip into.  It is almost a half a loaf of bread.  I love bread and I love olive oil.  I was in heaven.  I could nurse a glass of red for over an hour and mow down on nummy goodness. 

I felt surprisingly comfortable.  I did not completely shut down or talk too much or reveal too much… other than perhaps whispering that I was pretty late because Master demanded a “goodbye blowjob” that took a freakin’ forty-five minutes and jeebus… was my mouth was tired.  (He did do that… I swear he was holding back to make me late… and to see how long I could keep going.)  (Or maybe he was deliberately skull fucking me into a puddle of tears, snot and slobber so I would not be too nervous???)

So I do think I will go back… no… I am sure I will go back.  Next time I think I will try to actually remember someone’s name.  Was it Mookie… Moon Key… Monkey?  Something like that.

And when I got home… I got a truly awesome bedtime spanking… all naked and squirmy on the bed… then tucked in and a good night kiss on the forehead.   

It was a good evening.    

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Warning... whining, insecurity approaching...

What follows is a bit of a pity party... no sex, no humor, no little pearls of wisdom... just me indulging in a little storm of self doubt.  I wrote it this weekend... I actually, sort of feel better about it... or maybe I just managed to shove the crazy lady into a box for a while...


Here I am with a wonderful offer of support and friendship in my inbox.  And strangely... or perhaps not so strangely... I find myself at a loss for words.  Not that I don't appreciate the offer.  I do.  I just have doubts and shyness... I start to wonder what I have to bring to this friendship table.  I tend to be the passive person in relationships... All my life I made friends... and then lost them... I don't seem to know how to maintain this thing, to keep pedaling... injecting the necessary energy or whatever... the momentum fades and the frequency of exchanges slows and sputters... and then I realize how many people I have started out with that sort of disappeared into the great and mysterious wasteland that is the interwebs...

And, at times, I begin to wonder if it is me.  If there is some truth to my self doubts... that my social shyness, my awkwardness puts people off or even worse offends them.  The crazy lady inside my head mutters that people really don't like me.  I know she is not often truthful.  I know I should not listen to her... but she makes me doubt... and I withdraw.

Work lately has not helped a lot.  The middle manager immediately above me is unpredictable.  One day he will ignore my cheerful ‘good morning’… the next he will chide me for not saying ‘good morning’… the next his “good morning” will be surly or sarcastic.  I find myself cringing when I see him arrive in the morning. 

I do know I had inadvertently gotten involved in a nasty bit of in house politics.  Some dim bulb had actually been stupid enough to leave some nude pictures up on a student used computer… After hours, but still way inappropriate for the setting… I mean it was a fucking school.  I mentioned it to someone.  That someone told the principal.  They found out who it had been and a guy got fired.  Not my intention… but I was sort of the whistle blower… and now I am very much persona non grata among a very large clique at work.  So the sense of being excluded and ignored has gotten worse… and the crazy lady in my head may not be too far off the mark when she says… “He hates you.”

Another person who I really thought of as a friend… someone who used to email me frequently… wrote a whole book with me… helped me to edit… who actually taught me what chatting was… who was there when Master and I took our first baby steps down the rabbit hole that is M/s… and listened and advised and supported…  suddenly just stopped communicating with me.  I still talk with her Master/husband nearly weekly… but she refuses to respond to my greetings or emails… she just vanished.  He says it is not me… it is her… but all this makes me wonder… what I did or did not do.  What is wrong with me?  And again the crazy lady hisses and claws at the bars of her cage.

I know I am not social… but I get lonely.  I know I do very poorly in groups.  I have shit hearing.  If more than one person is talking at a time, I am totally lost.  If there is loud music… not only can I hear nothing at all… and it hurts my ears.  I am shy.  I am nervous.  I tend to talk too much about all the wrong things.  I tell too many stories.  I reveal too much about myself too early… and then I get embarrassed and withdraw.  I feel disconnected… like I am behind an invisible wall…  I once said… “I love people.  I just don’t like being around them.”  But that is not really true.  I am really afraid… afraid of rejection… afraid it is really me… true that people don’t like me because there is something wrong with me…

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Community


Community… There are times I have spasms of loneliness… bouts of panic at my isolation.  I crave friends… friends that go beyond the virtual… the email… the chat… the comment here and there on my blog.  Someone I can have lunch with, compare trials and triumphs… someone that gets what I am, gets that even though Master is human and sometimes frighteningly imperfect and I struggle with impatience and panic at times, he is still my Master.  And when these feelings rise up, I go out… out into ‘the community’, trying to find a place where I fit in, feel comfortable…

Perhaps I am looking all the wrong places.  I am not really one of them… not a player… not young… I don’t go to munches or parties or sex clubs… I don’t play well with others.  I don’t even play with others. 

I went to a girl’s munch… charmingly called Sex In the City… after the TV show.  It was kind of nice, in that it was small.  But even in a relatively quiet bar, sitting at tables, I still had difficulty understanding others when they talked (fucking old ears) and when I did… it was about people I did not know and experiences I cannot have.  The merits of one party over another… who played with whom…

They were nice.  I did not feel unwelcome, but I just don’t feel like I have much in common with these women.  I seem to be the only monogamous, 24/7 slave at these places.  I am pretty sure I will go back a few more times.  But once again… I am not sure there is a place for a nonplayer in those sort of places. 
            
I have only gone to a few other munches.  But the few I have attended the little groups of cliques swirled and revolved around each other.  The conversations swirled and revolved around the same topics… who went to what party, who played with whom, what parties are good… Names of people I do not know, places I have not been… They all seem so caring but as I sit on the sidelines and watch the tides and eddies, I see the little dramas, the people included and others excluded… gossip and back stabbing as common as welcoming and tolerance.

Who and what are these kinksters?  Who are these people who go to these munches and parties?  People who seem to see and treat playing with others like I think of restaurants or bottles of wine.  Some you try once and never return; others that you return to over and over again.  They critique each other.  They display bruises and whisper about darker things. 

Yet to me, to surrender to the power of my Master… that is the most intimate of things.  It goes beyond sex.  In fact I think I could fuck a stranger a hell of a lot easier than I could ever let someone I met a few times at a bar tie me, hurt me, humiliate me.  It is beyond comprehension.  I could not enjoy it… I would never ever be able to relax, to let down my guard.    

And I see the relationships, the lists of people’s ‘leather families’ on Fetlife change with the seasons.  And I cannot help but wonder about the depth of something that is so mutable, so nebulous… wonder if it is a reflection of this appetite for the novelty rather than the comfort of the familiar that dooms these people to continually seek out new partners, new sensations.  I wonder if they find satisfaction or if this community isn’t a wasteland of broken hearts. 

I know that there are dozens, perhaps hundreds of examples of long term steady relationships but those people are not the ones I see.  I cannot help but wonder if I am looking in the right places.  Perhaps our Master’s keep all the other slaves too busy to go to frivolous girl munches… perhaps is it is really the single girls that you see out there… wandering restlessly from one brief, intense relationship to the next. 

Friday, December 17, 2010

Anything You Want

I got a fantasy fulfilled. Master and I went to the SE Portland Munch and I stood up in front of a packed room and read my poem Devotion... while looking across the room at Him.

Every time I would say the words...

“Anything you want,
Everything you want,
It is all yours,
Take it,
Use it.”

...I would say them to him.

It was fucking amazing. And you could tell that he liked it, liked it a lot.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

A long and wonderful day.

It seems my days are either dull and predictable or busy and wonderful… and you know when I try to make it happen, plan all kinds of things to do, that is when nothing wonderful happens. I must learn to be more patient…

Anyway, yesterday, Saturday, was a wonderful day. As usual I woke early, rising with the early spring sunrise, sitting down before 6 am. And first thing, before coffee, he had me across his lap giving me a pretty thorough spanking… triggering memories of the thorough beating he gave me right before I went to sleep last night. (You know falling asleep for the night with the endorphins still singing in your head is fucking awesome?)

I spent a nice lazy hour or so reading other people’s blogs, leaving comments, reading kinky threads on Fetlife, leaving little witty comments here and there, perhaps amusing no one but myself, but all good fun.

Master was messing about with his computer and after a while calls across the room, asking how I felt about maybe going out to a “erotic improv theater” thing that night, no promises but if we are awake and interested??? Wow, Master initiating a “going out” thing… wow. I told him sure… sure, that might be fun.

Then without much warning, Master was in the bathroom, laughing about how many little plastic containers of dental floss I have stashed under the bathroom sink. (I use those “plackers” thingies and the darned dentist keeps giving me floss and I am too polite to say no? And then you just can’t throw away something like that… a “free” thing.) I was protesting and explaining when the thought occurred to me… “What is he doing under the bathroom sink?” And… “Fuck that enema bag is under there. He is going to find it.”

I was up and heading for the bathroom in an instant saying one of my favorite lines… “Is there something you are looking for? Can I help you find it?” …before he totally messed up my messy organization. He was in there and everything… I mean EVERYTHING, out from under the sink and spread across the floor.

He had decided to finally fix that slow draining sink. Again… wow! At first he was a little distracted by my store of strange items, ranging from blow dryers, to enema bags, to latex gloves, to bag balm… it is a bit of safari to go through a cupboard, any cupboard in this house. He is not the only one that has a bit of packrat problem… (Though he is worse, ten times worse than me… well, maybe not ten times.) But I quickly threw away about a dozen of the oldest dustiest items. At least I can throw some stuff away, especially once they are dragged out and displayed in the bright light of morning, he is not quite that disciplined.

He went on to clean out the drain… the nasty black clumps of hair and slime he dragged out were seriously impressive. They were somewhat reminiscent of the decomposing corpses of rats and smelled about that bad. But now the sink drains fast and clean. The place under the sink is clean and organized and I even found some descaling cleaner and the whole thing shines like new.

All this and it was not even eight o’clock a.m.

I asked if he wanted breakfast yet and he said, “No, get dressed. Let’s go for a bike ride.” So we are off and out into the cool morning air. We tooled around the neighborhood for about an hour. I was filled with snotty piss and vinegar. I kept making turns and “riding” away from him, even once taunting him that “he could not catch me.” There was no question that he can go faster than me when he is on his bike, but if he got off to grab me, I knew I could ride faster than he could run… muahahahaha… He was sputtering and threatening to spank me and I was giggling and full of freedom and spunk. But then he remembered that he did have the power, that the leash was and always will be there, and he just used his voice, ordering me to turn where he wanted me to turn. And as much as I squealed in frustration at that reminder that the freedom was an illusion, that the wind in my hair was not emancipation, I followed his directions.

And once we were home, I asked again if he wanted breakfast and he once more told me no, directing me to get my towel and join him in the shower. At first I was taken back. Sex? Now? I was awfully energized. My head was everywhere but at my pussy. But an order is an order and as much as I love to play at rebelliousness, I am nothing but eventually obedient. And there are worse things than getting fucked. And as I shed the bicycle clothes and grabbed my towel, I began rapidly, intentionally changing my mindset, my awareness sliding down to my core, putting my busy brain to sleep, stirring up my primal fires, blowing on those embers.

The sex was anything but predictable… oh, sure it started out the same, the tooth brushing, the ritual scrubbing and shaving, the expected shove to my knees, the familiar struggle to take him as far down my throat as is possible. And with the first gag, I felt those embers finally ignite into flame. Then the push and impatient lifting shove that let me know it was time to stand and bend over, giving him access to my cunt, my forehead resting in its familiar place on the end of the tub staring down at the sweet same vision of my feet, braced and straining between his larger ones. And when he shoved his thumb up my ass I grunt as the excitement ratcheted up another notch. He has been doing this more and more often, making sure my other place is filled as well. We do this, him using me one way, then without a word, signaling with a shove that it was time to return to sucking and then another shove to let me know to stand and bend over again. And then the shove is different, and I stagger for a minute confused, unsure what this new thing is, but as he pushes me down and down, to lie on my back and kneels between my legs, I finally got it and spread my legs wide, waiting for his next whim, his next wish… for his wish is my command.

He took the hand held shower attachment and set it to the harshest of pulsing sprays and directed it at my clit and smiled as I yelped and convulsed. He handed me the sprayer and watched with hot, greedy eyes as I conspired with him, pushing myself higher and higher. His hands were free and soon I found both my holes filled again, and I hovered there, teetering on the edge of orgasm, but he kept changing up the sensation, each time as I am about to slip over, there was just enough of a change in intensity and tempo to defuse the explosion and maintain the build. I didn’t know if it was his intention or just his lack of focus… but I was mindless with excitement when he pulled away and ordered me to my feet, ordered me to get out of the shower.

I was woozy with lust and I staggered as I clumsily patted and dabbed at the water on my skin. He likes that, the fact that he can take such profound control of me that he can so thoroughly turn off my head that I lose some ability to stand and walk, think and talk. By the time we reach his room I have regained some ability to function, the inferno inside me dying down slightly, but I knew it was just an intermission. I was not distracted. In fact I was already anticipating the next act of this play. He pointed at my old vibrator, the one we call “old friend” and as I reachd for it, I asked in a husky voice, “How do you want me?” And he responded he just wants to watch me for a while and I smile and turn around, facing my cunt away from him, placing my mouth at his disposal while I press the intense sensation of vibrations against my sensitized clit. He cannot resist that hungry orifice and soon I am gagging once again. It is amazing how each gag, each spasm of my throat around his hard cock, sends new waves of heat to down my whole body, feeding the fire in my belly.

Deliberately I teased myself, deliberately fighting off the orgasm that was coming at me like a freight train, twisting, moaning around the gag in my mouth. Then he was gone from my mouth, moving around the room and I wads too far gone to open my eyes or stop the rush to the finish line now. But then he is between my legs, and something, one of our toys but all I know is that it feels big is being pushed deep into my ass. It doesn’t hurt, the pressure is amazing and as he slowly pushes it in and pulls it out and pushes it back, deeper and deeper each thrust, I arch and cry out as my orgasm finally takes control of me.

And as I writhe and jerk under his hands, he turns on the vibrations in the dildo and keeps fucking me with it. I keep abusing my clit with my old friend and keep coming and coming and coming… it may have been minutes but it felt like hours. I remember, babbling nasty words, groaning, yelling, laughing and sobbing.

And only after I finally was limp and spent, did he push me around and shoved my knees up around my ears and after wetting his cock in my cunt, moved down and began fucking me up the ass. And for the first time ever, there was not the slightest bit of pain, no burn, no stretching and because I am far enough past my orgasm, I could focus totally on the sensation. It felt so good, his cock sliding in and out of my ass and with each plunge into me, I shuddered with echoes of my spent pleasure and I could feel the surrender to his will grow. And he finally tensed and filled me with his come, I felt dirty, forbidden, dark, nasty… I felt totally used, subjugated, submissive…

Our day was tinged with echoes of that, over and over I would flash back to those moments, and glance at him with happy, hot and grateful eyes… and he would laugh and ask if I was coming again. We went to the Goodwill and Salvation Army and talked about ways to pervert all those everyday items into sick and twisted toys. He was very controlling at the grocery store, repeatedly yanking me by my arm, grabbing me around the neck, growling at me to stay close by his side. Several times I caught people staring, women with envious eyes. And I could not keep a wide, satisfied grin off my face.

We did end up going out. And amazingly as we walked into the small venue where the improv was to be, I recognized a woman who attends the local submissive group with her Master. I whispered to Master that I saw someone I knew and asked his permission to say hi. I introduced him to them, and they invited us to sit at their table. We just sat there, talking about things like the finer points of the labels of slave vs. property, caning styles, subspace, bicycles, playing with other people… oh holy moley fucking moley moley… my reclusive, private, hermit Master sitting with another man who likes the same things he likes and having a conversation about kinky shit. The show was bland and only vaguely funny now and then, but it was great to get out and amazing to randomly run into someone I sort of knew… someone kinky.

Master said he had a good time and said that they seemed nice.

Bedtime was another reflection of what a wonderful day it was. As I knelt at his feet and begged permission to go to bed, he grilled me about my day, questioned me about the completion of assigned chores and actually sent me off the redo one thing a little more to his vision and when I asked, “After I do that can I go to bed?” He said no. He said, “After you do that, you come back and ask again.”

He made me kneel at his feet a long time, stroking my hair and then sent me to bed. I fell asleep quickly… it was a long and wonderful day.