Confession time.

I have a confession to make.

I am an addict.

I am addicted to computer games.

I have no control over that addiction.

I can remember it from the beginning.  From the very first time I touched a personal computer… ages ago… long before hard drives, I remember playing a simple game called xyphus on an Apple II.  It was the motivation to buy our first computer.  Then the Christmas gift of a Nintendo… and I was never the same.  Zelda and Tetris changed my life.  Then came the role playing games… Diablo, Diablo 2… and the WOW.  World of Warcraft is not called Warcrack for no reason.  An embarrassing number of years sort of disappeared in a blur.

This was wayyy before any fantasies of kink or sadomasochism… well of course I have to honest… all the fantasies had sadomasochism… but it was long before I was really ready to admit that to anyone, myself included.  Husband was there, a warm body that sort of would pass by the corners of my vision… but the world inside my computer was far more real, and sadly way more important than anything on the outside.  I was in a raiding guild and I got all the socialization I could ever need through avatars and headphones.

But the game progressed faster than I could.  Eventually I could not quite compete with the younger faster reflexes of teenage boys that were born with a controller in their hands… face it I was way out of my demographic and in was inevitable that I was replaced.  And without a circle of friends, I found myself pulling off the headphones and looking around… and the world seemed a strange and oddly interesting place… I did not go back… to that particular world.

The husband seemed like a new and fascinating stranger and as we came back together we sort of tripped and fell down the rabbit hole of submission and slavery.

But I never really recovered.  There was always solitaire and gem drop, and a three month relapse into Diablo 2…

But now there is this Face Book… I did not know that face book was a mine field of games… I thought it was a way to keep contact with friends and family… I did not know all those friends and family would keep sending me invites to play this game and that game and the other game with them… and like a drunk wandering into a distillery I was gone.

First some gem drop thing, then Gardens of Time, then Bush Whacker, Deep realms and Edgeworld, and then some kind of six guns in space thing… and finally, finally Farmville… fucking Farmville???  I am measuring my life in energy points and level ups.  I’ve stopped writing or even logging onto my blog… I rarely check my email…

Master rumbles and threatens to limit my computer time.  He questions why I haven’t written anything in ages.  I get surly and snarky… it’s not like he actually really wants to do anything.  I sneak.  I literally found myself deliberately not peeing at bedtime so I could wake in the middle of the night because my upgrade was finishing up and I wanted to get started on the next one…

Like I said…

Addicted.

And the first step towards recovery is admitting you have a problem.  And I am sure I will climb back on the wagon pretty soon… but until then I am sure I have a some energy points accrued or a warp gate recharged or some crops to harvest… so if you wonder where I am … it is not here in the real world.