It’s been a rough time. I have not been a good slave. He has not been asking for much and when he does my response is slow, uninspired… even surly. He tried to spank me and… good lord… I swear my ass seems to be sharing my pissy, uncooperative attitude. IT HURT. It HURT so bad that I practically imploded. I did not sit still… I fought back… I grabbed the leather strap and would not let go. He could pry the fingers of one hand off but then when he went for the other I would grab back again… when I sank my teeth into it he got disgusted and quit trying.
And this seems to be the pattern… sporadic obedience interspersed with painful moments of outright rebellion, met with half hearted attempts to correct me. I find myself disgusted with myself and disappointed in him.
I don’t know exactly what is going on… I could point out nearly a dozen things that are weighing on my mind… worry about parents aging… work cutbacks… tasks put off and off until they pile up to intimidating proportions… good intentions in the morning… too tired to think in the afternoon…
And Master has not been much better… normally he sleeps a lot. And lately he has been sleeping even more. He naps all day and then complains that he cannot sleep at night… and this slave has learned it does little good to point out that perhaps the two things might be related… especially when he is tired. Do not question Master’s reality. In fact it is far wiser to embrace it, make it mine. In fact, like the woman that marries the alcoholic I find myself trying to nap more too… in some kind of self destructive urge to join him in this folly.
And you want to know something? If I sleep during the day… I wake groggy, disoriented and in the nastiest of moods, definitely not very slavelike.
Sex continues infrequent and uninspiring. To speak of it would be singularly dull. Same channel, same song, same time… meh.
To give us credit… it is not getting worse… it does not feel like the world is ending… (well, with all the tornados and such, maybe it is)… but here at home… it just feels like a down time. I think we wake each morning hoping for sunshine and every fucking day it is just the a same old thing… rain, rain, rain… both in reality and spiritually. But it is almost June… and I know it cannot rain forever. In fact the weather man is predicting a change in the weather soon.