Princess Diaries
On Fetlife the only group I really follow much at all is the Owners/property group. They refer to themselves as O/p. I am not sure if Master and I fully meet the definition for O/p (if there is a real clear definition for that nebulous concept). He seems a bit too invested in spoiling me. I have more than once said our particular version of O/p is perhaps Owner/princess.
I sometimes wonder about his easy going ways, his minimal expectations, his investment in what I want. It rubs me the wrong way. There is a very dark part of me that wants harsher, more selfish, callous disregard for my wants or happiness. I have this unholy craving for his enjoyment of my suffering. I want to be denied this pillow (translation: Leather recliner), I want to be relegated to the floor at his feet.
Last week when I was sick he refused to allow me to kneel… it is like punch in the gut. And when I forgot to adjust the driver’s seat in my car to fit him this weekend and his unconcern hurt more than any punishment. I wanted to burst into tears. He said, “You are sick.” And I knew that was true, the whole week has been a fog of exhaustion and congestion, coughs and sniffs and stuffy head… but it is my head and lungs that were most impacted, not my knees, not my ass... It only takes a few seconds to drop to my knees and it fulfills something in my soul.
His use of my body has been too gentle… too considerate… spankings have dwindled to a random swat as I pass by. The sex, if somewhat selfish on his part, is definitely pretty vanilla and distinctly unremarkable and to be honest, just something to get over.
I know it is his choice and I must accept, cooperate, even embrace his vision as my own, but this being treated like a princess is starting influence, even weaken my sense of internal enslavement… I start to feel a little too free, start to have wants and expectations… start to push back… to make the too frequent snarky remark… to pull away when he grabs me… to say “princess” things like “but there is a wet spot there” when directed to lie back down and snuggle with him after sex.
But I also know that in the end the only person that can ultimately take control of me is me... and if I fight this enslavement, if I let this princess thing take over my thinking... the only princess to blame is me.
Wow, great post. I'm sorry for the internal struggle but I can relate. Not at the moment but one of my greatest concerns is that the boy will ease up over time because he feels it's the loving thing to do. Every so often he lets me get away with things that I think I probably should be held accountable for. I need to bite my tongue in the moment. When we choose submission I think we tend to be toughest on ourselves.
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<3
Xantu,
ReplyDeleteThose last 2 paragraphs... they struck a chord with me. I've been going through the exact same phase.
I keep thinking,"He is not strict enough" and blaming him, rather than taking responsibility.But just like you said I do know that the only person who can always take control of me is me.
I hope you get into the right mind set and let me know what works too. Because I'm really struggling with that one. I didn't even know I was until I read this post.
Hugs,
Alujna
What a beautiful post. You're so right - it does come back to us, to each of us.
ReplyDeleteIt sure is easier when they're holding us accountable though...
aisha
Oh I so relate to all of what you've said. I think i want the dark, but i think i'm stuck with the light - likely i couldn't handle the dark anyhow.
ReplyDeleteThat struggle between wanting him to "be more" or "do more" and being able to just accept what he does is huge for me. When I am in this spiral I have to remind myself that whatever he chooses is right, and his ultimate pleasure (whether it is at my expense or shared with me) can only be attained by doing as he wishes. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteThanks foor sharing
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