Hardly Fair

So, I ask you, is it fair if it is Master's birthday that I get the spanking??? 

Porn?

So what is it about me and porn?  At first glance, my first impression is critical, it is so superficial... so patently fake... politically I begin to wonder if the actors are adequately compensated, well treated, safe???  And I think I feel a certain amount of ethical guilt, like I am participating in some system that can and does exploit the participants... both male and female. 

But I must confess to taking a second look and a third and, well, you get it... I look.  I look because it works for me... works better than foreplay.  If I watch 10-15 mins of the right porn before Master and I get down to it, orgasm is easy and sometimes even multiple... and without it... not so easy... and never multiple. 

Reading or writing erotica can light the flame... but the right video can set the woods on fire. 

What is the right video?  Like I tell Master over and over... (because he insists on control and he chooses the porn)... bondage... implied nonconsent or power imbalance...  and anal sex, lots of anal sex... and interestingly... the sound must be on.  Oddly... when Master looks at porn he never turns on the sound.  Another demonstration of the male human being a visual organism.  And for me... at least half of it is sound. 

So even with the misgivings... with proper supervision I am allowed, even compelled to watch porn.   

Fifty Shades of Fluff...

So in the news... E. L. James... "Fifty Shades of Grey" and the other two fifty books... Caught my eye... supposedly the hottest new best seller... very graphic... rumored to have ignited libidos across America... reputed to have "saved some marriages???"  And hints at BDSM??? Okay... can't pass that up. 

Downloaded the digital version to my Kindle app.  Writing nothing to rave about but easy to read... and in my opinion the craft should never over shadow the story... starts out like any fluffy romance novel.  Premises hard to believe... Anastasia (why oh why are the female protagonists given such extravagant names) is still a virgin as she is about to graduate from college.  Seems oblivious about this fact being somewhat unusual.  (In fact, Anastasia seems pretty damn oblivious about a lot of stuff.  Like birth control...)  Christian Grey is handsome beyond description and rich... super billionaire rich... super, super, super billionaire rich... hard to believe for someone not yet thirty.

At first meeting there is instant and knee melting (not to mention loins) attraction.   

But I must say that James does manage to communicate sexual tension very well... and it is a page turner. 

Christian Grey instantly turns into some kind of stalker and instead of being creeped out... Anastasia cannot help but get swept off her feet.  Well what girl could turn down a helicopter trip for a first date.

But this Christian Grey guy seems to have some secrets, and some seriously quirky things going on... oh my what is wrong with him...

Turns out he is seriously into D/s... Secret dungeon in his penthouse and everything.  (Oh, no's).

And he insists she sign a contract agreeing to be his submissive before he even touches her.  (Classic off the internet contract... soft limits... hard limits... safe words...  Pulease...).

So there she is, contract in hand... getting tours of kink dungeons... and a VIRGIN... and she does not run screaming from the building.  Well, to tell you the truth... he is a billionaire and very handsome... and of course she has already fallen in love at first sight...

And of course when she confesses her complete lack of experience he cannot resist touching... without contract or commitments... And once again I must admit... that E. L. James lady can write a sex scene.  Worked for me... just enough emotion mixed in with sensation, not too graphic... (I am starting to appreciate the fine art of euphamism.)

The rest of the book is about this evolving love story... Anastasia must find out what made him like this... what horrible things happened to him that made him broken and how can she fix him.  And Christian had some seriously bad things happen... childhood neglect and torture... teenage sexual victimazation by a cougar that was seriously into D/s and taught him everything she knew. 

The love story is fairly predicable... if the timeline is seriously accelerated.  The sex is frequent and just graphic enough to get my motor running. 

Anastasia has no problems with bondage or kinky sex... (such a dirty girl) though learns she cannot ever be a "heavy bottom" (though James never uses that kind of verbage)... What Anastasia cannot do is accept the heavy control issues Christian has outside the bedroom.  And it is her goal to 'fix' him with her love.

I think my biggest complaint is the assumption that there is something wrong with him... something that must be fixed.  And the rediculousness of how insanely rich or handsome or beautiful everyone has to be. 

Would I recommend it?  Sure... great wank fodder.  Story is classic romance... the kinkiness is pretty bland kinky... vanilla with a few sprinkles... that Christian guy is not all that bent, take my word for it.

Would it save a marriage?  I doubt it... but I must confess being a lot more snuggly while I read it.   

Voluntary or Coerced?

"M'ere!"

That monosyllabic bark that can be thrown at me at any time... interrupt me... trip me up...

There are many times that I love to hear it and charge over and leap into his lap with such enthusiasm that it scares him, makes him throw up his hands and cross his legs in some instictive move to prevent injury... but so often it is when I am headed elsewhere, my hands and head filled with a 'to do' list... my focus anywhere but on him.  (And I swear he has radar for those moments.)  And today was one of those moments and, as usual, there is always this briefest moment of hesitation... where every fibre of my being wants to to tell him "NO! Damn it!!! Can't you see I am busy????"  And I know my expression said all that and more... frustration, irritation...  and of course, eventually, capitualation...

And as I reluctantly crawled into his lap I asked...

"Do you like it better when I snuggle you volunarily or because I have to?"

And he thought about it... and thought about it... and thought about it... because each holds its own particular rewards... the sweetness of affection freely given or the heady concoction of power and control... the satisfaction of being obeyed... even when it is the last thing I want to do...

He, of course and as usual, did not answer my question.

A good day...

Teacher planning day... or "teacher plotting day" as I am fond of saying... a day with most everyone there but no kids.  A time to relax and get those odds and ends of jobs done that you haven't had a chance to get around to. 

We had a bar-be-cue and the weather was wonderful.  We all ended up dragging chairs out onto the back playground and eating and talking and laughing and eating and enjoying the sunshine and eating.  I made a huge bowl of cole slaw, the guys cooked brauts, hambergs and chicken, everyone else chipped in this and that... it was awesome.

I managed to have a convo with my boss about the one coworker that has been so hostile.  (Who incidentally has been "sick" the last couple of days.  And here I was thinking he was an inconsiderate SOB and then he goes and does this sweet thing for me.)  I put it out there that all I wanted was a mediated conversation, that if he had a real legitimate complaint, I was open to hearing if I had fucked up, or was fucking up... and I was more that willing to own my own shit and take some responsibility... but I guess he is not willing to sit down and talk... just willing to snarl, backstab, barge into a room, say something rude and leave before I can even say "stop, what the fuck is your problem dude???".  But at least he was gone and I managed to reconnect with the other members of the team and realize that they do not feel the same way. 

Oh... and I don't cuss at work... it just is fun to say it this way, here, where I can let my hair down.

And... I got home early. 

The only down side was all that food knocked me out.  And Master and I fell asleep in front of the TV... and he swears he was saying "sweetie... sweetie... sweetie..." in a honey soft voice, but all I remember is being ripped from deep, deep sleep by what seemed like being yelled at.  I know I was yammering in terror.  I pouted and whined that he had scared me.  He laughed and laughed.  I swear that man gets off on scaring me.  Total mind fucker.

Another day in the life...

Delurking...

It is sad when you become your own lurker...

I do miss you guys too... but there is so little that happens to disturb the still surface of my existence.  It feels odd to tell over and over again about the same things... the same rituals... the same fuck... the same spank... the same chores...  and this is not the place to brag up my grand babies... (though they are freakin' awesome).

I have pretty much dropped out of the lifestyle.  I don't read Fetlife anymore.  I don't even write BDSM style fiction... I have sort of stopped reading about other people's lives... it makes me want to gnaw at the bars of my cage.
I could write reams about my job... the heart break of broken children, the deep deep burn that comes from interpersonal conflict with coworkers... hateful people that will go out of their way to insult you, sabotage your work, assholes that take a difficult job and make it impossible.  And you know... I love my job... or perhaps should say... loved my job.  And lately... lately it is so hard to walk in those doors and face a new day and wonder what nasty thing will happen today. 

And lately... lately... I feel comforable in my submission to my Master, if it is not the dramatic whips and chains kind of thing I always fantasized about... I have finally learned that my Master cannot... will not ever be the fantasy master of my dreams and if I tried to somehow control that... well... it would not be submission at all would it?  So instead of whips and chains, it is knowing his wishes and accepting them... and accepting him as he is... how to fry the egg perfectly, how to make the salad exactly right, how to keep my mouth shut and when to speak up... and it works for us... works so well that I have little or nothing to complain about.

And spring is here and summer is just around the corner... and summer means facing the agony and frustration that is spending time with my parents and wondering what I can do about the inevitable day of loss or when I must step in and take away the last shreds of their independence.  The upside of summer is that I do have it off... and I will have more time to serve my Master and to write... and perhaps... perhaps... blog.

Love you