To get this joke you have to start earlier.
I am sitting in my usual place finishing up some editing on the final chapter of Demon Child. Master is in the next room, sitting where I can see him in profile as he plays computer games. The muted sounds of barbarian yells and dying monsters coming from his computer. I am very focused... so close to the end... the light at the end of the tunnel.
The sounds of swords and screams stops and not long after the distinctive sounds of moans, groans and the compelling slap of hands against bare skin. Ohhhhh serious distraction.
"What are you looking at?"
"What kind of porn?" (Master tends to like to look at women, naked women, close ups of women... really close close ups... like I said studying for an online gynecological degree. That kind of porn does nothing for me.)
Ohhhh, distraction factor multiplied exponentially. (I like ropes, humiliation, violence... yummm) I glance at the last half dozen paragraphs. So close to being done. "What are they doing."
"Lesbians..." He hesitates. He is so much more reserved than I, reluctant to say the nasty words. "...doin' stuff." More smacks, more moans and screams. He asks, "Want to come watch with me?"
Heck those paragraphs will be there when I get back. I am up and beside him almost instantly.
He is in charge of it, choosing what clips we watch. Lots of bondage... lots of rough face fucking, nothing like the "glerk, glerk, glerk" sounds of girls choking on big cocks in the morning. I refill our coffee cups. He browses and I lean against him, pressing my face against him, inhaling his pheromones. He finds something especially demeaning, a guy forcing a girl to hold an onion in her mouth while he forces a cucumber up her ass. I am riveted.
She is tied down on a big orange ottoman. I stare at the scene as the man replaces the cucumber with his cock. Something about it, simple, rough fast ass fucking, the tears running down the girls face (probably from having a large raw onion in her mouth)... the ottoman, something... pushes all the right buttons for me and as I stare at the way her body shakes with the force of it all, I murmur... "Always wanted an ottoman like that." (and it is true, something for him to bend me over, to spank, to fuck, to just display... ottomans have played a big role in my fantasies.)
We end up in the shower, the usual shower sex... linear... all about his pleasure. (I do remember having the fleeting thought that when Master starts poking stuff into my ass that it makes me sound just like a pirate. Arrrrr!) Master came quickly and I was miles away from the finish line as usual.
I walk down stairs and crawl into bed and grab my vibrator, commenting to Master that I will be fine, I will just close my eyes and think about ottomans, that this should not take long.
He crawls in with me, wraps his arms around me and holds me and murmurs in my ear.
"I will be the ottoman umpire."
I laughed so hard it took twice as long to come than I thought it would... and all the day after that he has been yelling, "You're out!!!" and laughing and laughing.
But I do really need to get me an ottoman.
10 hours ago