Monday, June 20, 2011

Difficult conversations

Difficult conversations… questions of wills, funerals, disposal of belongings, supported living plans… what to do with aging parents… contingency plans of what to do if, no when… when… (just thinking, typing that word “when” makes my throat ache and eyes grow wet)… when one dies or becomes too old for the other to care for, what support will they need from me. 

Phone conversations wind round to these topics and then veer away when the heart starts to race and the voice starts to quiver.

I have decided I cannot move there… cannot quit jobs and go there to care for the survivor.  My children live here.  My grand children live here.  I do not want to quit my job.  So if, no, god damn it… not if… when one or both of them reaches that inevitable place where they cannot go on without me… they need to come here. 

So I am going there, to have these hard conversations face to face… what is their wish… what I can do and what can’t I do… what will need doing… because I am the only one that will be doing it…


  1. I sincerely wish there was something I could do or say that would make this easier for you. I helped my mother take care of my Grandmother for four years, then I took care of my mother. If you need an ear I'm here.


  2. That's never easy, never! And yet, it is a gift to them that you have this conversation now rather than at the time of need.

    Whether they agree with your suggestions right now, the seeds will have been planted and they will have the security in their hearts of knowing that you will be there for them.

    I'll be thinking about you.


  3. what a hard place to be in...i remember after my Mom died, that my Dad only wanted to be left alone. He traveled, while my Sis, my Aunt, my wife, and i went through Mom's things...he wanted it all done before he got back.

    I've had parts of that convo with my Dad, with my MIL...but they are both independent, stubborn people...

    i do not envy you the road ahead...for sooner or later, it will be mine to share as well..



  4. We're in the same boat, well similar, here at the moment. And there is nothing like the whiff of money to bring out the best in relatives. Which is why we are having these talks now, before we need them :(