Monday, May 31, 2010


I had written a long post... a long post about my struggles with trusting my Master. But I had to write about real things that cause me to doubt... real flaws that are part of my Master... things neither of us are very good at dealing with and things that I am not allowed to "nag" him about.

He read it... well he had me read it to him. I didn't want to... it was hard enough to put those doubts down onto paper, to voice them was difficult beyond words. But he made me do it. He listened. But then he forbade me to post it... and he is right. (LOL... Masters are always right... even when they are wrong.) It is his business and if he does not want it spewed forth into the great anonymous interwebs, he can say 'No'. In fact he can say 'No' to any fucking thing he wants.

And it is true, that even in a Master/slave or Owner/propery or Pyl/pyl (pick your label) type relationship it is unrealistic to expect people to be miraculously somehow more perfect, to come without baggage and history and scars and flaws... He is far from perfect... and neither am I. But we fit. We meet a need in one another.

But at times one of our respective shortcomings comes to a head and our respective issues clash and grind against each other and our world shakes and quakes for a time, and I cannot quite find my balance. And all my issues of distrust rise up making me reflexively reach out and grab hold of all the little things in my world and try to control them... try to control him. And of course he will not allow that... ever. And if he did... that would scare the fuck right out of me.

I know all I need to do is let go. Trust that eventually the bumps will be ground down and we will find a new fit. A tighter closure, a knitting of the boundary between us. And I will have that sense of calm safe stability I so crave. All I have to do is trust.

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