Communication… transparency… everybody talks about it like it is the key to everything. Like if you don’t got it, things are doomed, can never work… just are generally fubarred.
Well, it don’t work like that around here. He does not tell me how he is feeling… and he definitely isn’t really interested in hearing about anything other than what he wants to hear about what the fuck is going on in my head.
I am still trying to figure out exactly what happened, where I fucked up. Because he certainly did not do anything different than he always has. He has remained perfectly consistent. He has not changed one iota from the same rigid, controlling, critical, emotionally distant, monkish, mind fucking bastard he was when I decided I needed him to be my Master. It was all me. Maybe I bought into the idea… that I needed to be “transparent”, to puke up all my angst, my doubts and questions like he would listen, have the perfect “Master” answer or even care.
So he had done the same things he has always done. And he jumped all over me for getting involved in some unimportant thread on Fetlife talking about sadism. I was sitting here on the couch, laptop in lap, and he idly asked what I was writing on. I just as idly mumbled something about a discussion about sadism. The next question out of his lips was, “Why are you talking to a SADIST?”
I have to admit being a little off balance, blinking, staring at him like he had suddenly grown horns. My voice may have taken on a patient, explaining tone… “I am not talking with a Sadist. I am just writing a comment to a thread she posted. It is a forum. Would you like me to read it to you?” (Master has dyslexia. He can read but it is not effortless and he avoids it if he can.)
Well long story long, about half way through the original post, he interrupted me, told me I should not be talking to people “like that” and it was end of discussion. I know better than to argue. I sucked it up. I said, “Yes Sir.” I just sat there with this sort of shocked and disbelieving look on my face.
But I have to confess that I had about a billion questions bouncing around in my head. I could not help but think, that this general type of statement made it almost impossible to continue to read, post or comment on threads on Fetlife. Everybody there was “like that”. Crazy bitch in the back of my head muttered, “And face it you stupid bitch. You are “like that” too. He probably thinks you are crazy and gross and dangerous too.”
He tried to explain, making general statements about how this person sounded imbalanced and like someone that should be left alone. But every single thing he said just emphasized what he didn’t know about this ‘sadist’ person. I tried to say that she has made lots of posts and said lots of different things and she seemed like a pretty reasonable and, in a lot of ways, a very intelligent person… but he interrupted and said, “You can’t tell that from just what people write on the internet.” Arghhhh!!!! But that was what he did!!! He listened to half of one thing, jumped to some conclusions and just decided.
Again I sucked it up, stiff lipped and obedient I conceded his victory. I swallowed down all the protests and mumbled, “Okay, I will not talk to her. I will leave that group.”
But it really wasn’t over. All my lonely, self loathing, isolated, ‘I don’t have any friends’ issues were rapidly flooding my thinking and it was all black and white. It was all or nothing. This general statement made it impossible to read other people’s blogs, to go to any of the local support groups (which, by the way seem to have stopped meeting for the summer of maybe forever but that is a separate issue) and I don’t have anybody in the whole fucking world to talk to about this. (My apologies to Stephen, ‘chelle and Kevin, I wanted to feel fucking sorry for myself and if I remembered you guys were there for me… I wouldn’t have felt quite so miserable, could I?)
So there I was… wallowing in my not quite rational place and I do not have a poker face. I probably looked like I had a pickle up my butt. And he got all up in my grill, demanding to know what was happening, what I was thinking or feeling.
And in hindsight, the first words out of my mouth weren’t entirely rational. “I don’t have any friends…”
And again he interrupted. This time it was a loud mocking, jeering hoot. The same “waaaa, waaaa, waaaa that kids yell on the playground to harass the cry babies.
I totally imploded. I was yelling at the top of my voice, “YOU ASKED!!!! YOU ASKED!!!!” And then there was a lot more, things about trust and communication, about him not wanting to really hear, about how much that hurt and how I just fucking wasn’t going to talk with him ever fucking, ever, ever, ever again. I got pretty inarticulate by the end but I sucked it up again and crossed my arms and shut down totally. He sat there, staring at me for a long time and I finally sobbed out in a broken voice… “and if I can’t talk to you… I don’t have anybody to talk to.”
I left the group. I answer in my best sweet submissive voice, “fine” whenever he asks how I am, how my day was. I am totally talking to him about nothing. He knows I am pretty blue. He even said he was sorry.
And when I looked at him and said, “What are you sorry about?”
He answered, “…about you being blue.”
And I am sort of stuck here… I know he does not want or like to talk about things except on his terms. I know he has the right to limit who I interact with and what I do. And this is one Master/slave or Owner/property… or what the fuck label fits best in your head… that does not run on communication and transparency. It runs on commitment and acceptance. I am committed to him and to my being his slave. I accept his ownership, however he chooses to express it.
It sometimes sucks monkey balls but I have to accept that as well. You have no idea how hard it can be to suck up monkey balls.
Post script, the original poster, the so called “sadist” sent me a private message, asking me why I left the group and talking about how I was valued as a member and had a lot of good things to say. I read it to Master and he changed his mind about talking to her or reading her posts and I got permission to rejoin the group. But he said no to me accepting her friends request.