Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Not Fair

Sometimes it is just not fair.  I shouldn't be surprised, I know that there is no promise of fair, if anything quite the opposite.  But sometimes it still sneaks up on me and bites me in the butt.

I had already talked with him about this thing, in my eyes had gotten permission to do this.

I had talked with him about how I was just not going to eat the same food as him, that eating the meat and potatoes and all the fixins was making it easier and easier to slip away from my low cholesterol diet.  

way back machine...

About two years ago I got the heads up from my doctor that my cholesterol was just a bit high, any higher and we will need to talk about medication.  That was a bitch, I wasn't eating a lot of high cholesterol type food, I don't like eggs, meat, cheese all that much.  But I got ruthless and cut it ALL out.  Nada... day after day, week after week of 0 mg cholesterol and other forms of saturated fat.  I upped the amount of good fat, olive oils and seed oils.  I also started exercising... (in all honesty, the exercising was Master's idea... I was getting pretty crazy and he just dragged me out of the house one day and forced me to march for about ten miles in the hot sun.  It did wonders for my attitude and he instituted a pretty rigorous walking schedule.  It was good for us... time to talk, a way for him to exert control.)

All these changes had an unexpected result... the pounds just slipped away, five, ten, twenty, thirty pounds... it was effortless, the pants got baggier and baggier, Master made many very lecherous and appreciative comments about the "new" shape.  I threw out all the fat clothes, bought a whole new sexier wardrobe.  More lechery from Master... mmm... very reinforcing.   

Cut to to the present...

The 0 mg cholesterol thing slowly found excuses for a treat here, a snack there, a birthday, a holiday, a new set of expectations to menu plan and cook for Master every day... laziness crept in... and greed.  That pot roast can't hurt, I will eat just a small helping... cookies??? Well, it is Christmas.  Coworkers that find it not all that difficult to talk me into that piece of cheese cake.

The walking went from every day to every other day to a few times a week and now... now it's a few times a month.  We blame the weather and I have to admit that here in the Pacific northwest it has been pissing down rain for what seems like a year.

Those 35 pounds gone have started to creep back.  That new wardrobe was tight before, now it is getting darned uncomfortable. 

So now... now before things totally get out of control, I trying to get back to that original mindset.  No red meat, fat free dairy only, more fiber, more beans and vegies and fruit and whole grains... not some, no good excuses... nope... nada... it is like being a vegetarian... you don't say you are a vegetarian and then eat a steak on your birthday because it is a "special day".

So there is was, a re-commitment to eating different, being healthier and hopefully skinnier... and yet maintain my obedience and devotion to my Master who wants...  he requires meat, preferably cow meat or pig meat.  So I had talked to him about cooking his dinner but not eating the same food and he listened and said okay... he even questioned me about my weight gain and has started taking a more active role again in taking me for walks.  We have been driving to Malls... meh... not my favorite type of walk but it was raining so hard last night that we got soaked just walking across the parking lot.

Yesterday, for dinner I had planned for him a pork chop with rice and salad.  For me, steamed winter vegetables and a slice of fat free bread spread with garlic humus.  I love cooked cabbage.  It was yummy.  But I screwed up.  It seemed like a good idea if I was cooking two dinners, it would be easier to cook mine first and his when he wanted it... Master usually wants a late dinner, around 7:30... I usually am starving around 5:00... separate meals at separate times.  If I eat earlier, I am more likely to stick to regimen.  If I eat earlier, I would be 100% available to serve Master... I could even sit at his feet as he eats...   genius... or so I thought... until he walked in after work and saw the left overs from my yummy steamed vegetables... and roared...

"Why did you cook this now?!!!???"

"But... you said... I told you... we talked..."

Something inarticulate, loud and intended to shut me the fuck up.

So I shut up. And got all sorry for myself and weepy.

Not fair... not fair at all.  But apparently, he would have eaten the steamed vegetables too.  And apparently I was supposed to have known that.  So I got some very clear messages.  He likes steamed vegetables.  I may eat what I want, but do not assume that he is not going to want some of it too (even if he has already told me what he wanted for dinner).  I am required to eat at the same time as he is... even if I am hungry or it is late.  "You will not starve to death."


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