Tuesday, March 29, 2011


Community… There are times I have spasms of loneliness… bouts of panic at my isolation.  I crave friends… friends that go beyond the virtual… the email… the chat… the comment here and there on my blog.  Someone I can have lunch with, compare trials and triumphs… someone that gets what I am, gets that even though Master is human and sometimes frighteningly imperfect and I struggle with impatience and panic at times, he is still my Master.  And when these feelings rise up, I go out… out into ‘the community’, trying to find a place where I fit in, feel comfortable…

Perhaps I am looking all the wrong places.  I am not really one of them… not a player… not young… I don’t go to munches or parties or sex clubs… I don’t play well with others.  I don’t even play with others. 

I went to a girl’s munch… charmingly called Sex In the City… after the TV show.  It was kind of nice, in that it was small.  But even in a relatively quiet bar, sitting at tables, I still had difficulty understanding others when they talked (fucking old ears) and when I did… it was about people I did not know and experiences I cannot have.  The merits of one party over another… who played with whom…

They were nice.  I did not feel unwelcome, but I just don’t feel like I have much in common with these women.  I seem to be the only monogamous, 24/7 slave at these places.  I am pretty sure I will go back a few more times.  But once again… I am not sure there is a place for a nonplayer in those sort of places. 
I have only gone to a few other munches.  But the few I have attended the little groups of cliques swirled and revolved around each other.  The conversations swirled and revolved around the same topics… who went to what party, who played with whom, what parties are good… Names of people I do not know, places I have not been… They all seem so caring but as I sit on the sidelines and watch the tides and eddies, I see the little dramas, the people included and others excluded… gossip and back stabbing as common as welcoming and tolerance.

Who and what are these kinksters?  Who are these people who go to these munches and parties?  People who seem to see and treat playing with others like I think of restaurants or bottles of wine.  Some you try once and never return; others that you return to over and over again.  They critique each other.  They display bruises and whisper about darker things. 

Yet to me, to surrender to the power of my Master… that is the most intimate of things.  It goes beyond sex.  In fact I think I could fuck a stranger a hell of a lot easier than I could ever let someone I met a few times at a bar tie me, hurt me, humiliate me.  It is beyond comprehension.  I could not enjoy it… I would never ever be able to relax, to let down my guard.    

And I see the relationships, the lists of people’s ‘leather families’ on Fetlife change with the seasons.  And I cannot help but wonder about the depth of something that is so mutable, so nebulous… wonder if it is a reflection of this appetite for the novelty rather than the comfort of the familiar that dooms these people to continually seek out new partners, new sensations.  I wonder if they find satisfaction or if this community isn’t a wasteland of broken hearts. 

I know that there are dozens, perhaps hundreds of examples of long term steady relationships but those people are not the ones I see.  I cannot help but wonder if I am looking in the right places.  Perhaps our Master’s keep all the other slaves too busy to go to frivolous girl munches… perhaps is it is really the single girls that you see out there… wandering restlessly from one brief, intense relationship to the next. 


  1. I tried to comment and my computer froz. Twice lol. But you know, I never seem to learn my lesson the first time so I'm back (though my previous train of thought seems to have vanished).
    It does get kind of lonely doesn't it? And I agree, it would be nice to have someone to discuss the trials and triumphs with over lunch. My wit is lacking this morning so I have nothing smart-assed and smarmy or excessively thoughtful to offer.
    If you want to add me to your list of virtual friends who are probably to far away for lunch though, drop me an email sometime.

  2. Drop me a note at xantu999@gmail.com. There is always room for some more "virtual friends".

  3. Very well spoken xantu. I see the same things out there. Cliquishness. Drama. I can't relate to them and have no desire to - I already went through high school once and that was enough.

  4. I in no way want to sound like I am being judgmental. Their choices are just as valid as mine. I think I wrote this because I just don't feel like I fit in.

    (Not that there isn't a fair share of drama, but to generalize that all are involved would hardly be fair.)

  5. Well. For what it's worth, I guess I'm one of those restless singles, "...wandering restlessly from one brief, intense relationship to the next." And I don't fit in either.

    I was busy having my own little "i'm lonesome" pity party by myself before I came over and read this, i guess it's better to know i'm not completely alone, right?


  6. I don't think you're being judgmental at all (and maybe I am, lol, but I'm OK with that). But I can definitely relate to not fitting in.

    Captcha: "uniters". Haha. Not exactly?

  7. I do wonder often if i would fit in any better with a group of people irl. Blogging, even chat, doesn't really reveal people's whole relationship, or person for that matter. There is sometimes appeal to the idea of meeting new people, taking the thrilling parts and skipping the terribly mundane parts; but i know i couldn't do it really.

  8. @ Aisha... And that is why I find your blog (...and SfP's for that matter) so fascinating. I am totally drawn to the process. What are they looking for? How do they decide? How do they tell these guys are "the right ones?" It all seems so exciting and scary and frustrating. I also must confess a small part of me sort of is just a little jealous... all that green grass on the other side of the fence... all that control.

    @ greengirl... there was a time when there were a couple of support groups for submissives here in my area. That actually was very enjoyable and helpful. I was sad when they stopped meeting.

  9. Maybe all of us old, kinky, married girls should get together for lunch or something. The New England Chapter of O.K.M.s(Old Kinky Married slaves) is now in session! Really, i know what you mean. i miss having friends i can chat with, shop with, have a 'girl' date with. Next time you come to Mass., drop me an email; i'll show you my toybox!

  10. O.K.M.s. I lub, lub, lub this.

    Next time I am Mass.? LOL... ones leash is firm tied to the kitchen stove and ones Master does not like to travel. Perhaps next time you are on the west coast?

    Wanna know a secret? Sometimes when the collar chafes and the small world threatens to shrink down to claustrophobic proportions, I fantasize about Master dying (strangely the only way I can visualize myself free to make choices has to be so catastrophic) and then me taking a long trip and going out to see all these virtual people.

  11. xantu - we share many of the same thoughts about the "community". I always wish I had a few kinky friends in real life. Or, more specifically - some one else in an M/s relationship to chat with. The things you described are why I avoid the "community" like the plague. We're not poly, we do not play with others, we don't go to "play parties" (why bother if we could just "play" with each other at home?)... and the cliques. Nothing I want to be a part of, frankly.

    Oh well. I'm happy being locked in Master's apartment anyway. :P lol

  12. @ zelda... and most times I am happy with my confinement as well... the restlessness only creeps in now and then... and one tugs tentatively on the leash... not wanting to leave or be freed... but perhaps wistfully hoping that just this one time I could tempt Master to allow himself to be drawn down another path... one with a few friends along it.

  13. xantu, it's a date. next time i head back to San Diego to visit my Mom and Sisters, (that's where i grew up) i'll drop ya an email. i can always hop a commuter prop! i'm lucky, my master LOOOOOVES to travel. Any excuse to get back to Death Valley! Shall we call it the Gypsy chapter of O.K.M.s.? Works for me!